"The One"

  All our lives we have heard people speak of "The One."   When we were younger, hearing someone speak of "The One" made questions arise within us such as, "Who is "The One" they're speaking of?"  "How do you find "The One?" "Why do they call that person "The One?"  "When will I find "The One?"  These are the same questions many of us continue asking and continue trying to seek the answers to in our adult lives.  Everyone has their own interpretation of what "The One" means to them and their own definition of it.  I will be discussing MY interpretation and definition, both of which I have discovered through my own personal experiences and beliefs.

  Now, let's start off with the first question, "Who is "The One" they're speaking of?"  I believe "The One" to be the love of one's life.  Many people spend their whole lives searching for "The One" because out there, in this vast universe, EVERYONE has that ONE person that is meant for them.  It's like that old saying goes, "There's someone for everyone."  I believe this to be true.  We may never find this person or we may settle for someone who is less than because we give up hope on finding "The One."  As humans, we all expect things to "happen" to us/for us but what we fail to realize and SEE is that the only way things are going to "happen" is if WE put in the footwork and not only open our eyes but also our hearts.  "The One" is different and unique for everyone.  What YOU love and see in "The One" who is meant for you, others may not love or even understand.  But, if YOU truly love the person that is deemed "The One" for you, it won't matter to you what anyone thinks.

  When I think about or speak of "The One", I can't help but associate the word soulmate.  By definition, the word soulmate means: "a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate. In New Age spirituality, the ultimate soulmate is The One and only other half of one's soul." (excerpt taken from Wikipedia)  I define a soulmate as someone who nurtures your soul, which in turn helps to promote insight and growth.  Genuine happiness can only come when you stimulate your core self (a.k.a your soul) and grow into your highest potential.  When you feel a deep, unexplainable yet indestructible connection with someone and that same person challenges you and inspires you to grow to your fullest potential, you've found your soulmate.  As you can clearly see (and if you don't see that yet, hopefully you will by the end of this), the same holds true when referring to "The One."

  "The One" is not only your soulmate but also your best friend.  In my opinion, the best and most successful relationships are those in which the couple are not just lovers but also each other's best friend.  When I think of a best friend (in a partner/mate) I feel that it is someone you can FULLY trust, 100% of the time.  When I say that, I'm alluding to the level of trust where you trust that person with your life and everything in it.  It's someone you have an unspoken bond with and despite how long you've known each other, you feel as though you've known them your entire life. They bring out the absolute BEST in you and you have the desire to be a better person because of that.  You have a profound feeling of comfortableness and feeling safe with them and because of that, you let them see your TRUE SELF without reservation because you know they will NOT judge you or make you feel embarrassed, shameful, silly, or inadequate.  They understand you completely about anything and everything and are always patient with you.  It's someone that you can turn to with whatever the situation may be and KNOW they will be there no matter what.  When you need them they are ready, willing, and able, no questions asked.  It's someone you can confide in openly and divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to that no one, other then you and God know, and have confidence in that person to hold your secrets safe.  It's someone that lifts you up and supports you.  When I say "lifts you up and supports you" I'm not talking about physically lifting you up and financially supporting you.  What I mean by "lifts you up" is someone that makes you feel incredible about yourself, not in an egotistical kind of way but in a healthy one and gives you added confidence in yourself and your abilities.  And when I say "supports you" I mean someone that encourages you to do the things you want and makes you feel like there's nothing you CAN'T do.  Let's say, for example, you decide you want to go back to school or write a book, your best friend will encourage you to do so and back you up on that decision 100%.  Like your own personal cheerleader in life.  Don't misunderstand me though because this same person that will encourage you to do whatever makes you happy, will also be the voice of reason when it's something that may negatively affect you or have a negative outcome.  And that's what makes this person your BEST friend.  You don't want someone always agreeing with everything you say or do, especially if what your saying and doing are wrong.  Your best friend will always be honest with you, even if sometimes you don't want to hear it.  "And why is that?", you ask.  It's because your best friend genuinely cares about you and your well being.  When you find the person that fits the characteristics and traits I just mentioned (with regards to a soulmate and a best friend), hold on to them as tight as you can and never let go.

  Now, the next question is probably the MOST asked whose answer is the MOST sought after,  "How do you find "The One?"  I want you to sit for a minute and think about what your answer is to this question.  There are many different answers to this one, some are right and some are wrong.  In my opinion, it all depends on your ability to SEE.  I know, you're sitting there reading this and thinking to yourself, "This girl is crazy, of course I can see!"  but hear me out on this.  Earlier in this post, I was talking about what a soulmate is and what a best friend is and when you combine ALL of the qualities, characteristics and traits of those two things, you know you have found "The One."  Now I know you're STILL sitting there, more puzzled then before you started reading this and wondering to yourself, "Yea we read that Lisa, now tell us HOW we find this person!"  You need to stop trying to find the person you have created in your mind.  Ok, I'll explain this because I can see that bewildered look on your face.  Everyone has a mental "list" or set of "standards" that they require or want in the man or woman of their dreams.  You know what I mean, so don't pretend you don't!  Let's say, for example, a typical woman's list would look like this:
1.  Tall, Dark, Handsome <---Or whatever your personal preference is with regards to physical appearance.
2.  Nice, Smart, Funny, etc <---- Another attribute of your preference.
3.  Financially stable/Rich/Wealthy <---- Obviously most woman don't hope and dream the man of her dreams is poor.
4.  Successful career <---- Once again, most women don't sit around hoping that the man of their dreams is a garbage man (this profession was selected purely as an example and was not meant to offend or upset anyone reading this) or any other kind of physical/manual labor position.  They usually hope the man of their dreams is a doctor or lawyer or something profound like that.
5.  Great in bed <---- Yea, I said it girls!  We all know that even women prefer a man that is great in bed and knows how to and is willing to please his woman.  Some women even stay in relationships with men they know aren't "The One" for them, purely because they are "in lust" and are basically addicted to the sexual aspect of the relationship.  If you are one of these women, GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW!!  Don't ask questions, you'll thank me in the long run.
Now, let's take a look at an example of a typical man's list:
1.  Tall/Thin/Blond <---- Or whatever your personal preference is regarding physical appearance.
2.  Hot body <---- Another personal preference regarding physical appearance.
3.  Nice butt/legs/big boobs <----- Once again, another personal preference regarding physical appearance.
4.  Not a gold-digger <---- It seems like men today are more aware of women that are with them solely based on the fact that they have money and if they detect this, will most likely want out of the relationship OR will make you sign a pre-nuptual agreement, should he decide to make that long-term commitment with you.
5.  Not a whore <------ I think it's safe to say that every man wants a woman that hasn't slept with half the male population on Earth.  Most men like to think or believe their wives are pure and that they didn't partake in any promiscuous activity prior to marrying them.  (Even though most men are whores and have probably slept with a large number of women throughout their lives, a.k.a double standards)
 I could go on and on about what men and women typically think about and look for when they're searching for "The One."  But what you fail to realize is NONE of those things represent anything I discussed earlier!!  You, my friend, are searching for your "sold-mate."  Again, with that perplexed look on your face, don't worry, I'll explain what that means soon!!  You see, all of those things I rattled off that are typically on a person's "list" are 
ALL superficial things.  And sadly enough, these are the initial things people look for when trying to find "The One."  Now, I know you're shaking your head in disagreement but let's be realistic for a moment,  EVERYONE sees a person's outside, physical appearance first and that starts the process of evaluation.  If you find a person physically appealing, then you start becoming attracted to them and you want to start getting to know them.  I'll give you an example: if a woman notices a man that is dressed nicely, let's say in a suit and tie for arguments sake, groomed and handsome and this man is looking at her with a smile, she almost immediately wants to get to know him.  The same goes for men so settle down girls!  It's human nature.  So the two meet, have instant chemistry and before long he takes her out on a few dates.  A fancy, expensive restaurant, a show, maybe he buys her gifts, whatever the case may be but most likely it's something like that because this man is trying to impress her and possibly win her over.  She finds out on these dates that not only is there a steamy chemistry between them but he's got a great job and is up for some kind of big promotion soon, he drives a Mercedes or BMW, he comes from a good family and eventually he IS looking to settle down and start his own family one day.   Now, let's flash forward to a year from now.  The woman that chose this attractive man as "The One" (or the man that chose the attractive woman if that's the scenario you prefer!) has now had the time to SEE this person.  Don't be fooled into thinking just because someone is attractive and there's a good chemistry between you, that they are "The One" for you.  Now let's go back to the example: in that year, the woman has caught this wonderful (or so she originally thought), attractive man in a lie or found out that he has cheated on her.  Or maybe she started seeing other things that she "over-looked" before or, if we're going to be totally honest, turned a blind eye to.  And why did she "over-look" these things?  The answer is simple really,  because he is "good on paper."  He's handsome, they're attracted to each other, he has a great job, is financially set and is great in bed.  The initial physical attraction/chemistry fooled her into thinking that this man was "The One" because she didn't take the time to see past the "superficial lures." (the superficial lures being the things I mentioned earlier on the "list")   She also fooled herself on the date where they got to talking about things they want in life and she heard him say he does want "to settle down and start his own family one day."  Most women will focus on that last part because ultimately, that's what everyone's (especially women's) primary goal is:  To settle down and start a family.  Most people will stay with their "sold-mate" simply because they are afraid of being alone, they feel time is running out/has run out because of their age or more commonly because they're comfortable with that person.  When I used the term "sold-mate" in the beginning of this section, it was because when you have a "list" like the examples I gave before and stay with the person that matches that list as opposed to the descriptions I gave for what I believe "The One" to be like, you have basically sold your soul just to have a mate. These are the people my heart goes out to.  They are missing out on the best thing this life has to offer; LOVE.  I mean REAL, genuine, UNCONDITIONAL, pure, TRUE love.  If you have that kind of love in your life, everything else seems better.  People that are really in LOVE, who have really found "The One" lead happier lives, have better health and just have a better outlook on life because they found that one person that is willing and WANTING to walk with them through it and the stress or anxiety of TRYING to find them is no longer there.  You have to look past the physical and superficial and look INSIDE a person before you decide you want to commit the rest of your life with them.  I've always believed that a person's eyes are the gateway to their soul and that you could tell a lot about them simply by looking into their eyes.  If you doubt this theory or even if you're just curious, give it a shot!  The next time you're with your significant other, friend, colleague, boss, anyone really, REALLY look into their eyes when you talk to them.  You can see if a person is truly genuine and their intentions are pure when you look in their eyes.  You can also tell if everything they're saying is an act and that behind the facade there is a cold-hearted, bitter person.  Going back to the original question and my original answer, you need to SEE people for what and who they REALLY are and not what you imagine them to be or what they initially present themselves to be.  You need to see if they possess the qualities, traits and characteristics of the things I discussed at the beginning of this.  You need to really take your time when getting to know someone before you decide to label them "The One" for you because it takes time for people to show who they truly are inside and what kind of soul they really have.  You have to lay a solid foundation built on TRUST, HONESTY and RESPECT and you also have to form a strong friendship with this person.  Now, I know after reading all that and trying to digest it all, you're thinking to yourself, "Ok, this girl is lying through her teeth about all this."  But I can assure you, I'M NOT!  I never said that looks DON'T matter.  I never said that chemistry doesn't matter.  I never said that money doesn't matter.  I simply said that they shouldn't be the first things you look for when trying to find "The One."  When you find "The One," their physical appearance won't matter because they will be beautiful on the inside (which is what you should want and what is truly imperative), which will project outwardly therefore making them beautiful (or handsome) on the outside to YOU.  Whether other people approve or not that the person you chose as "The One" for you is attractive (in their opinion), shouldn't matter to you because YOUR the one that chose this person, not them.  As long as the two of you are happy with each other, that's all that matters.  When you find "The One," you will have that electric chemistry together because you finally FOUND each other and when that happens, everything just feels NATURAL and RIGHT.  And finally, when you find "The One," money isn't going to be something that will make or break your relationship.  The reason I say that is because no matter what the financial situation is, you will get through it OR enjoy it TOGETHER.  

  The third question we ask (ourselves and others) is, "Why do they call that person"The One"?" and this has a relatively simple answer.  We often refer to this person as "The One" because they are the one that surpassed the rest.  After years of dating, failed relationship after failed relationship, you have finally found that one person who you know in your heart you were meant to be with for the rest of your life.  Some people call "The One" the person that completes them, some people say they found the person that held the key to their heart, the missing piece to the puzzle, etc.  It's all the same really.  Either way you look at it or say it, it's the person you finally feel "at home" with.  And if you are looking at what I just said and don't know what "at home" means, it's ok because I'm going to tell you!!  To say that we feel "at home" with someone is a figurative statement that means you feel accepted, comfortable and like you belong with that person.  Hence, "The One!"

  The last and final question that we all ask and inquire the answer to is, "When will I find "The One"?"  This is the hardest question to answer because, to be honest, there IS no right answer.  I have some tips on increasing your chances or possibly even speeding up the process for you that I'm going to share.  Before I do that though, I want to reiterate the fact that these are MY thoughts, opinions, beliefs and experiences and what works for one may not work for all, but still it can't hurt to try!  The first thing I recommend is stop looking.  Now, make sure you don't read that wrong.  I said to stop LOOKING not to stop SEEING.  How many of you have heard the stories about the two people that had both given up trying to finding "The One" for them and upon doing so, low and behold they stumbled across each other and after really taking the time to get to know one another, fell in love and got married?  Anyone?  Anyone??  No?  Geez, tough crowd huh!  Ok, how about I use this example: you know when you lose something and you go crazy looking for it and can't find it anywhere and you stop looking for it altogether and the next day you find it?  Come on, I know you've done that before!!!  I see you smiling, maybe even laughing because you know it's true!!  Well, take that example and apply to what I said before about not looking anymore for "The One." Do you see where I'm going with this?  Sometimes, we search so intently when trying to find "The One" that we make it impossible to find this person.  Sometimes, the person is right there in front of our faces, yet we still can't find them.  But, if we stop, RELAX and focus on something else for awhile, we WILL eventually find "The One" we've been looking for.  The reason I wanted to clarify myself when saying "STOP LOOKING but DON'T stop SEEING" is because when you do stop looking you WILL be able to SEE, and a lot more clearly too I might add.  When you stop looking, you take the pressure of finding "The One" off yourself and the men or women you meet.  Without the pressure, you are able to take the time that is imperative to really get to know a person.  You need to TRUST that there IS a person out there that you're meant to be with and that you WILL be with this person when the time is right.  Some things are out of our hands and in the hands of fate, destiny or God.  The sooner you stop LOOKING and ACCEPT that it may be out of your hands, the closer you may be to finding "The One."                                                                                                                      Another thing I suggest is, make sure you love yourself BEFORE you decide to go off and search for "The One."  I say this because if you don't love yourself first, it will be virtually impossible for you to allow someone else to love you AND for YOU to love someone else.  When you love yourself, you radiate a magnetic and positive energy to the people around you.  Before you know it, you will have surrounded yourself with people that are attracted to you for who you are.  That's the most important factor when desiring to find "The One."  You WANT "The One" to know YOU and love YOU, not the image you've created to attract them.  It's the same thing I said earlier about seeing a person's true self.  Eventually, you won't be able to keep up the act anymore and your true self will come out and whoever you are in a relationship with at that time will be so confused as to who you really are, they won't know whether to scratch their watch or wind their butt!  You don't want to go through that and more importantly, you don't want to put someone else through that.   Find out who you are, ACCEPT yourself as you are and LOVE yourself.

  My last piece of advice would be to look at your past relationships.  Really take a good, honest look at them.  Do your best to figure out what went wrong or why things didn't work out.  Not just the things your significant other at that time did (or didn't do) but also the things YOU did (or didn't do).  Sure, your first reaction might be, "He cheated! It's HIS fault!!!"  But take a close look at the events leading up to the cheating and take an even closer look at the things that attracted you to this person.  What kind of person were they when you met?  What kind of person were YOU when you met?  How about the kind of people you both were while you were TOGETHER?  What kind of relationship did you have with this person BEFORE anything bad (cheating, lying, etc) took place? You may be able to see things that you never saw before, now that you have been taken out of that equation.  The crucial key you need to keep in mind is to make sure you answer these questions HONESTLY.  After you have answered these questions, you need to do something that will free you from any EX-cess baggage you may be carrying around, unbeknownst to you.  You need to FORGIVE.  When we hold on to unresolved issues from our past relationships, this becomes known as "baggage" and we tend to carry this baggage unknowingly into our future relationships.  In order to obtain closure and free ourselves from this baggage, we MUST forgive.  You need to forgive your ex for any hurt feelings, pain or anguish they may have caused you during your time together.  And you need to forgive YOURSELF for those same things you may have caused for your ex.  While we're in a forgiving mood, let's take it one step further and APOLOGIZE for hurting each other and causing each other pain.  You don't necessarily have to sit with this person face to face or talk to them on the phone to do this exercise but it would be the most helpful because you will BOTH get closure from it.  If that's something that is just inconceivable to you (seeing or talking to them), you could always type an e-mail or write a letter.  You don't HAVE to send the e-mail or letter but it's good to get those negative thoughts and feelings out of your mind and heart, forgive the person and apologize for your part so that you don't have to carry that baggage around with you for the rest of your life.  It's a very freeing exercise and it will contribute to not only the wellbeing of yourself but also of your future relationships.  

  I hope by reading this, I helped at least ONE of you.  Finding "The One" can seem like a daunting task, but remember, "All good things come in time and the best things come to those who are patient."  I know in my heart that each and every one of you reading this will find "The One" you are meant to be with and maybe some of you are fortunate enough to have already found that person.  Whatever the case may be, NEVER give up hope.  You never know where or when you will find "The One,"  but you HAVE to keep believing that you WILL find each other when the time is right.  

If there's one thing you take away from all of this, let it be this:

Looks fade, money comes and goes, careers come and go, material possessions come and go and in the end, all you're left with is each other.  

And ask yourself these questions:  Do you want to be left with someone who has a dark soul, that lies, cheats, is cold-hearted, impure and who you can't even really stand now that all the things that once drew you to them are gone? OR Do you want to be left with someone who has a pure soul and loving heart, who genuinely cares about you and who truly enjoys your company because they aren't just your lover, they're also your best friend?  

<3 GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS! <3

xoxo LISA xoxo

<3 And Don't Forget: You ARE Gorgeous!! <3